I've been thinking of changing my name to Sky Fart. Or Star Nerd.

If the truth in advertising laws extended to Maui Names, peoples names would sound like outtakes of the Seven Dwarfs as filmed by Andy Worhol: Dorky, Stinky, Spacy, Cocky, Quirky, Grouchy, and Sleazy. Or you'd see names like Paranoid, Rude, and Klutz. Of course these days such a film could not be made, as the term "Dwarf" would have to be replaced with "The Vertically Challenged".

At this moment I have in my pudgy little fist, a list of Weird Maui Names that I've been collecting for years. Unfortunately our beloved leader of this esteemed publication, Suzi Osborn (not her real name) has not seen fit to publish my list. Her foresight and wisdom has prevented me from taking a shortcut to my next incarnation via a public lynching in the center of Makawao. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

In order to qualify for my list of Weird Maui Names, the name must be self-inflicted. Recovering Hippies who manage to reproduce have the unfortunate habit of giving their progeny unusual names. These don't count. "You can help little Rainbow get a real name. Or you can turn the page." And of course, the name must be used by someone who has been on Maui.

There are four separate and distinct categories of Weird Maui Names:
1) Terrestrial
2) Extra-Terrestrial
3) God Squad
4) Just Plain Weird.

Terrestrials are nutritionally challenged individuals who think that the food chain is a dairy industry myth, and that the few wild animals that we have left really eat tofu. These are the grazers who give themselves names like Wind, Waterfall, Rain, Deer, etc. Please note that no Terrestrials are named Leech, Skunk, Tapeworm, or Sphincter. Apparently only certain parts of Mother Nature are suitable source material for name changes.

The next category is the Extra-Terrestrials. These folks have names like Xanax, Paxil, and Zondar. Their names are often channeled, but exactly which channel they come from I couldn't say. They usually have an "x" or a "z" in them and sound like either a technical term from an advanced civilization, or the latest yuppie anti-depressant.

Then comes the God Squad. These folks follow a "spiritual teacher". This teacher is an embodiment of some descended master who has absolutely no ego or self interest.
None.
Honest.
Any abuses of power are simply another teaching for the flock. Followers usually have Neo-Hindu names such as Swami Shaktipranamuktanandamayama. Or Yoni.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Where can I get ahold of this list?" Forget it. I know exactly what will happen. You will love the list until you see your name on in (which is of course not weird but perfectly appropriate). Then you'll glare at me and begin sizing me up for a hemp necktie.

I like this incarnation just fine, thank you.

Finally comes Just Plain Weird. These are names that do not fall into any particular category other than Just Plain Weird. Names like Justice. Pleebe.

And Herr Doktor Lancelot Kitsch.

Dr. Kitsch is a recovering Hippie living upcountry.